He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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