i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
