I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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