What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
