dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
im holly from the hills drunk
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
3pm strippers are depressing
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
