Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
