I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
