Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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