He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
