there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You made out with two different species that night
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
