just tell him i said nine months
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize