Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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