Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
