Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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