i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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