Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
