make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
