You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
