I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
