i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
