So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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