I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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