i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
