Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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