Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
