I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
