oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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