ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
