im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
