i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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