woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
