So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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