I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
