Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
