I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
