I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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