I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
