hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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