I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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