There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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