chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
