Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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