I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
