When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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