i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
