How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wish my penis had a tongue
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
