He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
