You can't special order awesome
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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