When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
