Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
