Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
