I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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