She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hippo gnu deer
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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