Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
