And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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