haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
