you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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