meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Say something about gay babies.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
