I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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