Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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