Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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